Being in Brussels I was looking for a guy for Jan. Not that I would make special effort to achieve my goal. I didn't belong to gay community so I didn't have much opportunity for that but once a chance occurred to me I took advantage of it. My first attempt was with a guy I've in EP who was very much like Jan, Jan's cup of tea (one of Jan's favorite expressions). I introduced him to Jan via (one of Jan's favorites words) e-mail. There was no answer so I contacted the guy. Jan's silence made me convinced they know each other already but I wanted to be sure. He answered, was nice and confirmed what I was thinking. So that was it.
My second attempt was already in Poland. A guy invited me to his friends on Facebook. Very attractive, nice, elegant as Jan, enjoying flowers as Jan, politician. He found Jan attractive, unfortunately I was few months late because he was already out of market. No luck that time either.
Finding a guy for each other was actually one of our favorites and most hated games in Brussels. Each of us, except for me, wanted to find a guy. EP turned out not to be the best environment for that. I mean, there was a lot of interesting guys (even though most of them gay) and there was constant motion on the market however every product turned out to be damaged after some time of using it. I have to admit I was much more successful in matchmaking in Poland. My few attempts in Brussels were failures. Those were funny stories however I will not try to describe it because girls would like to kill me after me doing that. It's better for them not to know. ;-)
sobota, 5 września 2009
piątek, 4 września 2009
Brussels - the city where underground happens to go above ground and trams happen to go under ground
This movie renders my mood since I'm back and reminds me of Brussels very much. Even though these shoots were taken in Paris I could see very similar views every time (at least twice a day) I was taking metro from Laeken, where I used to live, to the center and back. I loved those trips.
czwartek, 3 września 2009
United in uniformity II
As I've written already in few entries I was suffering very much after my comeback. It was bizarre impression. Everything appeared strange and odd. There was some noise in my ears all the time. I was thinking English, didn't recognize people nor surroundings, I didn't see it properly. I was out of the reality, out of the space that surrounded me. I was in the state of permanent stupor.
I've met one of my former students once and differently from other meetings like that this one made impression on me. She was pregnant, her boyfriend accompanied her, she said "hello". I remembered her very well because she reminded me one of my greatest failures as lecturer. I had classes with third year students and lectured the last linguistic subject on their studies. It happened often that giving the final grade I was asking them which seminar they were going to choose: linguistic or literary one. She told me she was hoping to choose linguistic one however she has to reconsider because she felt stupid in the area after our classes. Is there anything worse than causing someone thinking badly about themselves? OK there are students which are not brilliant in specific field and that's OK for them to realize that, it's even desired. But she was one of the students that it would be hard to decide whether she's smart or not. She wasn't active, she made the impression she just didn't make much effort. I was trying to explain it was not my intention to make her thinking like that, to make her miserable but there is not much one can say after hearing this kind of assertion.
I was suffering so much that after meeting her my christian heritage made me to perceive the whole situation in the category of guilt. I made (unintentionally but still) bad thing and now I have to pay for it, I thought. Price seemed to be disproportionately high but if it would make her stop thinking badly about herself, if it undo the harm I've done than it was worth it.
It all makes me thinking about the conception of success and failure. Once I got matured I've never considered success and someone's approval as equivalent. Most of the people appear to regard them as such though. For me our accomplishments are our success, not what others think about them. Most of my successes are things that will stay hidden form others.
Every time I had a group of students that were completely non-talkative I was making a lot of effort to encourage, to provoke them to talk and finally it always happened at the end of the semester that they became more active. When I had similar situation with a particular student it was quite often the case they stopped being active at the beginning of their studies once they were criticized badly way by some unwise and insensitive lecturer. They were just afraid they would be humiliated again in front of the entire group once they make attempt. Every time my classes occurred to be new beginning for such people I felt fulfilled. Or when some students didn't pass the finale at first attempt but got the highest grade on retake... This kind of things I consider success. When my chief tells me I do brilliant job or lazy job with my students it doesn't tell me much about my performance but such things tell a lot. It shows I did good job indeed, I taught students well and made them to assimilate the knowledge effectively. For most of my colleagues this kind of things are completely beyond their interest. What interests them is to look good in front of their superiors. When students don't want to talk, they interrupt class and send them home, or change class into lecture, or make test as punishment... don't feel like making some real effort. And they don't know a thing about their students so there is no way to know if someone makes real progress and so on. What's important to them is what other say.
The attitude described above was present in EP on very large scale. It was astonishing for me. Success there is something fully related to others' opinions, depending on it completely. Others' approval - that's the concept of success. It leads to very strange behaviors and situations. According to that logic if you want to have success there (and it's desired for everyone) it's not enough to do your job well, it's not really important if you do such job. What's important is if others say you do well. So what you have to do is to make them saying that so you could then tell the others that they said you do fine. It's necessary because you are not allowed - the next rule - to say yourself you're good at something, it would be unacceptable. It would make other people upset or even angry. So to accomplish your goal you have to use various techniques to manipulate them, to provoke them to express positive assessment on your work. The simplest one is talking a lot about it, showing the results often and asking for feedback all the time, even if it's unnecessary and not useful. Normally feedbacks' function is allowing you to improve yourself, not in that case.
That's mostly it. One more thing maybe... It's not only that you're not allowed to express you being good in some fields, it's not acceptable to pointing out your flaws either. You're supposed to be ordinary and provoke others to talk about you as someone extraordinary.
Short review:
1) You are obliged to build your legend.
2) You are not allowed to say by yourself that you're good at something. Making any assessments about your own work based on results of it is not acceptable.
3) You are not allowed to talk about your flaws either.
4) You may and you're supposed to repeat after others that you're good at something.
5) In case to make them express positive review of your work you have to master techniques of manipulating and provoking them to do that.
Success is someone's approval. What can I say? I don't very much care and find it pathetic and dangerously deceptive. The sad thing is if you want to win anything you have to play those cards. That's how it usually works.
I've met one of my former students once and differently from other meetings like that this one made impression on me. She was pregnant, her boyfriend accompanied her, she said "hello". I remembered her very well because she reminded me one of my greatest failures as lecturer. I had classes with third year students and lectured the last linguistic subject on their studies. It happened often that giving the final grade I was asking them which seminar they were going to choose: linguistic or literary one. She told me she was hoping to choose linguistic one however she has to reconsider because she felt stupid in the area after our classes. Is there anything worse than causing someone thinking badly about themselves? OK there are students which are not brilliant in specific field and that's OK for them to realize that, it's even desired. But she was one of the students that it would be hard to decide whether she's smart or not. She wasn't active, she made the impression she just didn't make much effort. I was trying to explain it was not my intention to make her thinking like that, to make her miserable but there is not much one can say after hearing this kind of assertion.
I was suffering so much that after meeting her my christian heritage made me to perceive the whole situation in the category of guilt. I made (unintentionally but still) bad thing and now I have to pay for it, I thought. Price seemed to be disproportionately high but if it would make her stop thinking badly about herself, if it undo the harm I've done than it was worth it.
It all makes me thinking about the conception of success and failure. Once I got matured I've never considered success and someone's approval as equivalent. Most of the people appear to regard them as such though. For me our accomplishments are our success, not what others think about them. Most of my successes are things that will stay hidden form others.
Every time I had a group of students that were completely non-talkative I was making a lot of effort to encourage, to provoke them to talk and finally it always happened at the end of the semester that they became more active. When I had similar situation with a particular student it was quite often the case they stopped being active at the beginning of their studies once they were criticized badly way by some unwise and insensitive lecturer. They were just afraid they would be humiliated again in front of the entire group once they make attempt. Every time my classes occurred to be new beginning for such people I felt fulfilled. Or when some students didn't pass the finale at first attempt but got the highest grade on retake... This kind of things I consider success. When my chief tells me I do brilliant job or lazy job with my students it doesn't tell me much about my performance but such things tell a lot. It shows I did good job indeed, I taught students well and made them to assimilate the knowledge effectively. For most of my colleagues this kind of things are completely beyond their interest. What interests them is to look good in front of their superiors. When students don't want to talk, they interrupt class and send them home, or change class into lecture, or make test as punishment... don't feel like making some real effort. And they don't know a thing about their students so there is no way to know if someone makes real progress and so on. What's important to them is what other say.
The attitude described above was present in EP on very large scale. It was astonishing for me. Success there is something fully related to others' opinions, depending on it completely. Others' approval - that's the concept of success. It leads to very strange behaviors and situations. According to that logic if you want to have success there (and it's desired for everyone) it's not enough to do your job well, it's not really important if you do such job. What's important is if others say you do well. So what you have to do is to make them saying that so you could then tell the others that they said you do fine. It's necessary because you are not allowed - the next rule - to say yourself you're good at something, it would be unacceptable. It would make other people upset or even angry. So to accomplish your goal you have to use various techniques to manipulate them, to provoke them to express positive assessment on your work. The simplest one is talking a lot about it, showing the results often and asking for feedback all the time, even if it's unnecessary and not useful. Normally feedbacks' function is allowing you to improve yourself, not in that case.
That's mostly it. One more thing maybe... It's not only that you're not allowed to express you being good in some fields, it's not acceptable to pointing out your flaws either. You're supposed to be ordinary and provoke others to talk about you as someone extraordinary.
Short review:
1) You are obliged to build your legend.
2) You are not allowed to say by yourself that you're good at something. Making any assessments about your own work based on results of it is not acceptable.
3) You are not allowed to talk about your flaws either.
4) You may and you're supposed to repeat after others that you're good at something.
5) In case to make them express positive review of your work you have to master techniques of manipulating and provoking them to do that.
Success is someone's approval. What can I say? I don't very much care and find it pathetic and dangerously deceptive. The sad thing is if you want to win anything you have to play those cards. That's how it usually works.
środa, 2 września 2009
Misconceptions about prejudices
I found the book of Jeff Marano in the Centre of Contemporary Art's bookshop in September last year. I don't consider his photos something special but the bodies he takes pictures of are worth to take a look at. There is nothing more beautiful than human body.
They had exhibition "Flowers of our Lives" that was focused on the collecting things issue. There was installation of Turkish artist, Kutlug Ataman, titled "Stefan's Room". It was actually documentary movie with four extra screenplays around the viewer. It was telling a story of young German guy who was collecting butterflies and had over 30.000 of them. Gay motive was of course unavoidable. Czech and gay motives were persecuting me. It was very good, simple story but covered number of topics. Ataman makes also future films but they're nothing special.
I wasn't oriented on Turkish matters without a reason. After Hana left us for good, Deniz moved in for less than two weeks. The greatest young mind in Turkey. Can you imagine? He had scholarship for the best student in the entire Turky. Meeting him was very salutary experience for me. He was attractive, social, real fine young man. However, I was afraid he will reject me once he'll find out I'm gay. You know, we are fed with those convictions that Muslims has no understanding for gay issue. What can I say? Deniz definitely wasn't lacking in that kind of understanding.
But once occurred even more surprising situation considering the reception of gay people by Muslims. We went the whole group to Dawid. We dropped by a shop before paying him a visit. Young, beautiful (not handsome, just beautiful), Muslim judging by his features guy was cashier in there. Girls were buying and paying and I was admiring him, staring open-mouthed at him. What did he do? He didn't express his possible displeasure caused by my affection, disapproval or embarrassment which would be definitely the case in Polish shop. He smiled at me warmly. Oh, I was ecstatic. Agnes even noticed his smile.
My stay in Brussels definitely caused me not to perceive Muslims from the angle of their religion. My prejudices about their prejudices vanished.
The shop clerk situation was not the only one involving me staring at someone insistently that was completely new to me. When we went with Marta to Antwerp and I cast a glance at a guy which I do constantly that particular one paid back my look. It was full of admiration, very flirty. He was too old for my taste but it was astonishing and somehow pleasurable. I'm not used to it. In Poland admire handsome guys is always one-way relation. One of many differences between Belgium and Poland, between my wonderful life there and my miserable existence here.
They had exhibition "Flowers of our Lives" that was focused on the collecting things issue. There was installation of Turkish artist, Kutlug Ataman, titled "Stefan's Room". It was actually documentary movie with four extra screenplays around the viewer. It was telling a story of young German guy who was collecting butterflies and had over 30.000 of them. Gay motive was of course unavoidable. Czech and gay motives were persecuting me. It was very good, simple story but covered number of topics. Ataman makes also future films but they're nothing special.
I wasn't oriented on Turkish matters without a reason. After Hana left us for good, Deniz moved in for less than two weeks. The greatest young mind in Turkey. Can you imagine? He had scholarship for the best student in the entire Turky. Meeting him was very salutary experience for me. He was attractive, social, real fine young man. However, I was afraid he will reject me once he'll find out I'm gay. You know, we are fed with those convictions that Muslims has no understanding for gay issue. What can I say? Deniz definitely wasn't lacking in that kind of understanding.
But once occurred even more surprising situation considering the reception of gay people by Muslims. We went the whole group to Dawid. We dropped by a shop before paying him a visit. Young, beautiful (not handsome, just beautiful), Muslim judging by his features guy was cashier in there. Girls were buying and paying and I was admiring him, staring open-mouthed at him. What did he do? He didn't express his possible displeasure caused by my affection, disapproval or embarrassment which would be definitely the case in Polish shop. He smiled at me warmly. Oh, I was ecstatic. Agnes even noticed his smile.
My stay in Brussels definitely caused me not to perceive Muslims from the angle of their religion. My prejudices about their prejudices vanished.
The shop clerk situation was not the only one involving me staring at someone insistently that was completely new to me. When we went with Marta to Antwerp and I cast a glance at a guy which I do constantly that particular one paid back my look. It was full of admiration, very flirty. He was too old for my taste but it was astonishing and somehow pleasurable. I'm not used to it. In Poland admire handsome guys is always one-way relation. One of many differences between Belgium and Poland, between my wonderful life there and my miserable existence here.
wtorek, 1 września 2009
poniedziałek, 31 sierpnia 2009
Taxi by night
I'm not quite sure why but taking taxi in the evenings reminded me of Brussels very much.
niedziela, 30 sierpnia 2009
Au Pont Saint Martin
We went to that restaurant during our stay in Strasbourg. With my persuasion we choose Pont Saint Martin. When I go somewhere I want to try everything the place has to offer. If not what is the point of making afford of going there at first place? When I noticed that restaurant I was very insisting of eating there, just over the water. I've ordered snails. I tasted them for the first time in my life. If tasting snails, then only in France. The meet has been too tough for my taste but tasted well.
The pleasure of going there was doubled by Kata's MEP eating there at the same time we went there. Kata was trainee in her office once and was crazy about her since then. She could meet her there not maybe thanks to me but because of me. I was happy because of her happiness. And I gave myself credit for that.
Once you go to Strasbourg visit the restaurant. Andras, you told me you've never been in Strasburg. Take Jaana and go there once, guys. I have to warn you though that being there one can fell like trapped in zoo cage since many tourists make photos of the building because of its scenic beauty.
The pleasure of going there was doubled by Kata's MEP eating there at the same time we went there. Kata was trainee in her office once and was crazy about her since then. She could meet her there not maybe thanks to me but because of me. I was happy because of her happiness. And I gave myself credit for that.
Once you go to Strasbourg visit the restaurant. Andras, you told me you've never been in Strasburg. Take Jaana and go there once, guys. I have to warn you though that being there one can fell like trapped in zoo cage since many tourists make photos of the building because of its scenic beauty.
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