More photos of Mapplethorpe

Guys:

Flowers:

Females:

Portraits:

Self Portraits:

Something extra for the final:

Friend of mine called Rafael, who does amateur photography, took once a photo quite similar to this one:

I like his works very much in general but I grew a big critic on this one, made a lot of fun of it. It was the essence of pretentiousness and a form deprived of any content to me. That's why I found really cool Mapplethorpe carried out the project based on the same idea some years before Rafael.

You can watch even more of Mapplethorpe's works here. And here you can find Rafael's photos.

Jan's birthday A.D. 2009

It was the most important book because it was meant to be birthday gift for Jan. Didn't matter it was still 10 months to his birthday. I knew if I wouldn't buy it then I never would since my financial situation was supposed to worsen only day by day. And I knew exactly what I wanted to buy for him. The part of my surprise for his previous birthday was flowers. He showed great appreciation of everything I prepared for him then. He said about the flowers: "How did you know I love flowers?". Is there any gay who doesn't? Probably I'm the only one. ;-) He can be so kind sometimes. His appreciation was completely meaningless or exceptionally priceless considering it didn't occur this year. This year he didn't even bother to let me know if he got the gift. That's how those people are, many of them at least, with certain exceptions. Very nice, very kind but only because they believe they are supposed to be like that, because they have to deal with you on regular basis. Once you're gone there is no reason anymore to act like they've ever met you. Everything there is superficial, artificial. You go there with this cliché in your head and you try to find out it's other way, you try it really hard but the cliché comes out to be true. It goes along with the reality pretty well. Anyway, I don't give presents to get someone's appreciation. I give it to show my appreciation for that person existence.

Mapplethorpe's book was very symbolic and complex in its meaningfulnessity choice. As many gays (Jan including, as I've already mentioned, not me) Mapplethorpe loved flowers, it was one of his two favorite topics. The second one was human body which is one of my greatest fascinations. I found pleasing giving Jan something that he likes and I like too but both of us do because of other reasons. All those differences between us which kept us apart and made it impossible for us to go along with each other... There is always a way to get united in spite of them, even threw them, to find some connection. United in diversity.

Mapplethorpe was gay, probably the best gay photograph ever. The other good reason to buy his book. I had the impression Jan is interested in everything that has anything to do with gayness. The next reason - I learnt about this photographer during my traineeship, in Strasbourg. I came across one piece of his work in The Museum of Modern and Contemporary Art in Strasbourg. The photo stays in storage or maybe was lent during my visit. Anyway, it wasn't exhibited. I noticed it in the catalogue and was delighted. I regret now I didn't buy that catalogue. I've never found that photo anywhere else, I haven't managed to find it on the Web. It made such an impression on me. It's called "Dennis Walsh" and was taken in 1977. It shows naked, young, blond man lying on the car. It's marvelous, I loved it and hope to see it again one day, somewhere. I see it every time I close my eyes. Do I desire to meet Jan again more? Guess yourself.

Books

Back to interrupted motive - books. I was buying various books. From some point of view it wasn't really strange. I used to buy even more on my best times. However, considering that I didn't get salary anymore it was very destructive behavior. Besides I don't even have a place to store them.

I bought:

1) "European Union Politics" by Michelle Cini since I've found pretty pathetic the fact that I worked for EU and haven't had much idea about it.

2) "Grammar of the film language" by Daniel Arijon since the last monography on film means of expression was published in Poland before I was even born. I've got it of course but I thought it would be good to get updated on new streams and I also knew if I wouldn't buy it then I never would.

3) "Teach Yourself Czech" by David Short since everything that had anything to do with Czech Republic became my new great passion. I wanted to be able to write letters to Jan in his mother tongue. However, I know myself and I knew I will never learn it. I bought the textbook anyway.

4) I bought also French textbook. It became clear to me after the traineeship - if you don't speak French, you're lost. And I always wanted to learn that language. If not now than when, I thought.

5) "The anthology of American and English poetry" even.

6) "What Do You Say After You Say Hello?" by Eric Berne. No surprise here.

7) "Semantyka i składnia czasowników oznaczających akty mowy w języku polskim i czeskim" by Zbigniew Greń.

8) "Ten by Ten" - the collection of photos by Robert Mapplethorpe. I will finish with it, the most important one.

Gayness in the air

Do you know even one countertenor that wouldn't be gay? The percentage of gay men is unexpectedly high not only among singers of classical music. The question about the number of gay guys around us occurred quite often to us during our work in EP. And it's no wonder this matter absorbed us so much since every second guy we've met in EP seemed to be gay.

It was quite funny in the Library since there were two Jans and Jaana and all of them gay. And they were not the only ones representatives of that minority in the Library.

Marco, the guy in sandwich bar. I didn't buy a sandwich once but I went there almost every time girls did just to take a look on him. He sent me invitation on Facebook one day but it stays unclear to me if he did it because he noticed I admired him or it just happened. He never answered my e-mail, probably because it was written in English of course.

Hana told me once she heard the rate of gay men in EU institutions is 15%. (For those who don't know - the percentage of gay men in the whole population is about 4%.) I don't think anyone ever made a real research on that subject. However we stayed under the impression they are even more.

There is association for gay people working in EU institutions called Egalite and the additional one for stagiaires, at least it was when Maris Sergejenko was a stgiaire (in Michael Cashman's office, gay MEP).

We agreed with Jan Brussels is paradise for gay people. Gay shops, gay clubs, gay baths, gay travel agency... You name it. Everything may be gay in Brussels if you want it to be. The whole gay district even. Differently than it is in Poland gay guys don't avoid eye contact with other gay guys met on the street. They don't need to be afraid. I was invited not for a date maybe but for a meeting in the first month of my traineeship. Such things never happen to me in Poland.

I painfully experience absolute straightness of everything around these days.

The newest discovery (in the area of music and beauty)

I've just discovered a new manifestation of perfection in the world. It's called Philippe Jaroussky.

It seems that after more than 10 years of being unrivalled model of vocal beauty Andreas Scholl has got great competitor. The most precious qualities of Scholl's incredible voice are purity and strength. It's also the lightness, easiness of making sound and the timbre of his voice. Jaroussky's advantage seems to be pitch and timbre as well.

One of Scholl's performances for comparison:

It's not of course kind of music that one shall listen to in youtube quality.

Jaroussky brings of course Raphaelle on my mind since they're both French.

Being back, being alienated

I came back to Toruń depressed and I've never really recovered. Few first months were unbearably hard. The way I perceived the environment that I belonged to those days is difficult to describe. Everything seemed to be unbelievably ugly, dirty, damaged. Hostile and violent. I didn't want to meet people. I didn't want to speak. I was hiding. Every time I had to say something I forced myself to do it in Polish, I was still thinking in English. It was expression of something we call in Polish “inner emigration” (emigracja wewnętrzna), alienation. I felt stoned all the time, imprisoned on some strange planet. I couldn't sleep and was permanently tired. It happened once that I woke up at 4:00 o'clock, when the sun was rising, crying and having strong feeling that I didn't want to live anymore. I believe when you want to kill yourself at this time of the day when everything is rising to live, it means you really want to die. I couldn't do much. I was trying to survive, to wait until those times will past.

Everything was annoying me, making me mad. It started already in Brussels. I became so aggressive towards girls that I didn't recognize myself, was afraid of myself, didn't understand what was happening to me. Being in Belgium I didn't have time to analyze properly my behavior and that's why the strangest ideas came to my mind, the strangest solutions as being possessed by dark forces, by evil. In Toruń everything became clearer. It was simple symptom of depression - dysphoria.

My prime activation, my greatest passion which is observing people has stopped. Every time I went out I was sneaking trying to avoid meeting people that I know which is really difficult in city as Toruń. However I could notice also some bright aspects of that situation. It has happened quite often during my work at university that once a student got a final mark he suddenly, strangely stopped to recognize me on the street. And on that time I could learn there are many who say “hello” even though I didn't notice them.

I got back to my old bad habits, neurotic ones. The ones I thought I got over with a long time ago. I started buying things. I started to spend money compulsive and destructive way.

I brought 300 euros with me from Brussels. It was more than my monthly salary in Poland. Additionally EP has reimbursed my travel expenses. And I also borrowed again the 3.000 zł I have already borrowed going to my traineeship and saved during it to pay back after comeback. I could live with all those money half a year. The problem was I started to spend enormous amount of money. On books mostly.

What’s new? Vacuum.

Nothing has happened in my life in the last year. Probably it’s been so because I haven’t yet left Belgium. I simply find myself banned from it and have hard time to accept my condition.

What’s new? My contract at university has expired, I’ve lost an income and a place to live. I stay unemployed and homeless. And separated. I alienated myself from my friends as well as all unnecessary social interactions. I unwillingly created perfect vacuum around me and altered my life into a perfect stagnation.