Movie sequence
Last weekend I’ve had second holiday in my life. It was quite surprising considering I went to Warsaw primarily for a day only to take an EPSO job test. It’s begun like in a movie. I had checked in at a hotel for one night and a clerk gave me an envelope with already settled bill for three nights and some money in it, 50 euros to be exact. It was left by Warsaw philanthropist who wished their identity to remain covert.
I am poor so I never go on holidays. I have been able to afford holiday trip only once so far. It was during my stay in Brussels when I went to Paris for 3 days. I was earning enough those days to afford anything I wanted. Those were nice times... Actually I treat my whole half-a-year-stand in Belgium and one-year-stand in Germany as big holidays in a way. I worked then since 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. and the rest of the time was at my own disposal. However the real vacation was the one in Paris then and now in Warsaw. I can imagine for many people three days vacation is probably no vacation at all but it’s big deal for me who is normally deprived of any quality time so to say. And I’ve been never one of those people who can travel around the globe having few bucks in a pocket, unfortunately.
The cheapest ways to travel in Poland
I have to explain why I decided to stay in a hotel for even one night in the first place. It may seem strange considering I’m so poor. You have to know there run almost only ICE trains on the way form Gdańsk to Warsaw which are the most expensive. One way ticket costs 30 euros (and I earn 150 nowadays so imagine proportion). There is however a train (one per day) operated by small regional company called Koleje Mazowieckie (no english website unfortunately, which is typical Polish of course) called “Słoneczny” (Sunny train ;-)) which runs only in summer and costs less than 10 euros. So it was cheaper for me to stay for a night in a cheap hotel (15 euros) and took that train in the morning. You may wonder why it’s so much cheaper since it’s brand new, clean, equipped with air-conditioning and even more noiseless and bumps much less than those expensive ones. I wonder too, believe me. Especially since the only difference is that it has no compartments, less space for a luggage and can be crowded sometimes which doesn’t actually matter if you’ve got a seat. The real disadvantage is that the trip takes 4,5 hours instead of 5,5 which didn’t bother me actually since it’s been long journey anyway. I will tell you one even more interesting thing in case you would plan a trip from Gdańsk to Warsaw. The regular train costs as I’ve said 30 euros but if you’re lucky you can get a plain ticket for even less (20 euros). And not in some cheap airlines but the regular polish national ones - LOT. So you’ll get meal onboard and everything. Check it always out.
Perfect place for a holiday
White sand, crystal clear and warm water, sound of the waves, sunny weather, not doing anything... Is that what you imagine when thinking of vacation of your dreams? Well, it sounds depressing to me. I don’t know really why, maybe because I’m single. Anyway, nice weather is nice but what I desire and require for holiday is big city! :-) The bigger the better since it has more to offer. For people like me lying on the beach is no way to spend holiday. I need to get tired to death to know that I’m spending quality time. And I also need to have something to write on my blog about right after instead of putting few hundreds photos of me and the beach on Facebook. ;-] Which I like to look at on other people profiles by the way. Guess, why. ;-)
I slept 6 hours a day and spent the whole days on my foot. I came back tired to death to hotel every evening. I even woke up tired with sore legs, burned skin and whole body tender actually. However, you need to know it was very pleasant pain, the one that proves you’re alive. :-) On the other hand after 6 p.m. my legs hurt so much that every single step caused me terrible pain which wasn’t pleasant at all. It brought to my mind pilgrimages to Częstochowa from my high school times. So I was looking then only for some nice movie theater to sit on and watch a movie. Exploration of dream land fortunately doesn’t require walking. Simply saying my body was tired as hell and my soul on the other hand has got exactly what it needed. That’s what body is for eventually - to serve the mind, especially if you don’t work physically daily. I like to treat it as a tool and force it to the maximum effort.
By schedule and improvising
After my trip to Paris I’ve already known the optimal plan is to do 3 things per day. You have then enough time to do it and do it right with no rush. And you have also time to do some walks and lying on the grass if you feel like it and do some readings or eating or so on. But you’ll never get an impression that you waste your time there by doing nothing since you do your three things.
Which was my 3x3? Stay on standby mode if you want me to reveal it. ;-)
Pokazywanie postów oznaczonych etykietą being back. Pokaż wszystkie posty
Pokazywanie postów oznaczonych etykietą being back. Pokaż wszystkie posty
niedziela, 11 lipca 2010
piątek, 4 września 2009
Brussels - the city where underground happens to go above ground and trams happen to go under ground
This movie renders my mood since I'm back and reminds me of Brussels very much. Even though these shoots were taken in Paris I could see very similar views every time (at least twice a day) I was taking metro from Laeken, where I used to live, to the center and back. I loved those trips.
czwartek, 3 września 2009
United in uniformity II
As I've written already in few entries I was suffering very much after my comeback. It was bizarre impression. Everything appeared strange and odd. There was some noise in my ears all the time. I was thinking English, didn't recognize people nor surroundings, I didn't see it properly. I was out of the reality, out of the space that surrounded me. I was in the state of permanent stupor.
I've met one of my former students once and differently from other meetings like that this one made impression on me. She was pregnant, her boyfriend accompanied her, she said "hello". I remembered her very well because she reminded me one of my greatest failures as lecturer. I had classes with third year students and lectured the last linguistic subject on their studies. It happened often that giving the final grade I was asking them which seminar they were going to choose: linguistic or literary one. She told me she was hoping to choose linguistic one however she has to reconsider because she felt stupid in the area after our classes. Is there anything worse than causing someone thinking badly about themselves? OK there are students which are not brilliant in specific field and that's OK for them to realize that, it's even desired. But she was one of the students that it would be hard to decide whether she's smart or not. She wasn't active, she made the impression she just didn't make much effort. I was trying to explain it was not my intention to make her thinking like that, to make her miserable but there is not much one can say after hearing this kind of assertion.
I was suffering so much that after meeting her my christian heritage made me to perceive the whole situation in the category of guilt. I made (unintentionally but still) bad thing and now I have to pay for it, I thought. Price seemed to be disproportionately high but if it would make her stop thinking badly about herself, if it undo the harm I've done than it was worth it.
It all makes me thinking about the conception of success and failure. Once I got matured I've never considered success and someone's approval as equivalent. Most of the people appear to regard them as such though. For me our accomplishments are our success, not what others think about them. Most of my successes are things that will stay hidden form others.
Every time I had a group of students that were completely non-talkative I was making a lot of effort to encourage, to provoke them to talk and finally it always happened at the end of the semester that they became more active. When I had similar situation with a particular student it was quite often the case they stopped being active at the beginning of their studies once they were criticized badly way by some unwise and insensitive lecturer. They were just afraid they would be humiliated again in front of the entire group once they make attempt. Every time my classes occurred to be new beginning for such people I felt fulfilled. Or when some students didn't pass the finale at first attempt but got the highest grade on retake... This kind of things I consider success. When my chief tells me I do brilliant job or lazy job with my students it doesn't tell me much about my performance but such things tell a lot. It shows I did good job indeed, I taught students well and made them to assimilate the knowledge effectively. For most of my colleagues this kind of things are completely beyond their interest. What interests them is to look good in front of their superiors. When students don't want to talk, they interrupt class and send them home, or change class into lecture, or make test as punishment... don't feel like making some real effort. And they don't know a thing about their students so there is no way to know if someone makes real progress and so on. What's important to them is what other say.
The attitude described above was present in EP on very large scale. It was astonishing for me. Success there is something fully related to others' opinions, depending on it completely. Others' approval - that's the concept of success. It leads to very strange behaviors and situations. According to that logic if you want to have success there (and it's desired for everyone) it's not enough to do your job well, it's not really important if you do such job. What's important is if others say you do well. So what you have to do is to make them saying that so you could then tell the others that they said you do fine. It's necessary because you are not allowed - the next rule - to say yourself you're good at something, it would be unacceptable. It would make other people upset or even angry. So to accomplish your goal you have to use various techniques to manipulate them, to provoke them to express positive assessment on your work. The simplest one is talking a lot about it, showing the results often and asking for feedback all the time, even if it's unnecessary and not useful. Normally feedbacks' function is allowing you to improve yourself, not in that case.
That's mostly it. One more thing maybe... It's not only that you're not allowed to express you being good in some fields, it's not acceptable to pointing out your flaws either. You're supposed to be ordinary and provoke others to talk about you as someone extraordinary.
Short review:
1) You are obliged to build your legend.
2) You are not allowed to say by yourself that you're good at something. Making any assessments about your own work based on results of it is not acceptable.
3) You are not allowed to talk about your flaws either.
4) You may and you're supposed to repeat after others that you're good at something.
5) In case to make them express positive review of your work you have to master techniques of manipulating and provoking them to do that.
Success is someone's approval. What can I say? I don't very much care and find it pathetic and dangerously deceptive. The sad thing is if you want to win anything you have to play those cards. That's how it usually works.
I've met one of my former students once and differently from other meetings like that this one made impression on me. She was pregnant, her boyfriend accompanied her, she said "hello". I remembered her very well because she reminded me one of my greatest failures as lecturer. I had classes with third year students and lectured the last linguistic subject on their studies. It happened often that giving the final grade I was asking them which seminar they were going to choose: linguistic or literary one. She told me she was hoping to choose linguistic one however she has to reconsider because she felt stupid in the area after our classes. Is there anything worse than causing someone thinking badly about themselves? OK there are students which are not brilliant in specific field and that's OK for them to realize that, it's even desired. But she was one of the students that it would be hard to decide whether she's smart or not. She wasn't active, she made the impression she just didn't make much effort. I was trying to explain it was not my intention to make her thinking like that, to make her miserable but there is not much one can say after hearing this kind of assertion.
I was suffering so much that after meeting her my christian heritage made me to perceive the whole situation in the category of guilt. I made (unintentionally but still) bad thing and now I have to pay for it, I thought. Price seemed to be disproportionately high but if it would make her stop thinking badly about herself, if it undo the harm I've done than it was worth it.
It all makes me thinking about the conception of success and failure. Once I got matured I've never considered success and someone's approval as equivalent. Most of the people appear to regard them as such though. For me our accomplishments are our success, not what others think about them. Most of my successes are things that will stay hidden form others.
Every time I had a group of students that were completely non-talkative I was making a lot of effort to encourage, to provoke them to talk and finally it always happened at the end of the semester that they became more active. When I had similar situation with a particular student it was quite often the case they stopped being active at the beginning of their studies once they were criticized badly way by some unwise and insensitive lecturer. They were just afraid they would be humiliated again in front of the entire group once they make attempt. Every time my classes occurred to be new beginning for such people I felt fulfilled. Or when some students didn't pass the finale at first attempt but got the highest grade on retake... This kind of things I consider success. When my chief tells me I do brilliant job or lazy job with my students it doesn't tell me much about my performance but such things tell a lot. It shows I did good job indeed, I taught students well and made them to assimilate the knowledge effectively. For most of my colleagues this kind of things are completely beyond their interest. What interests them is to look good in front of their superiors. When students don't want to talk, they interrupt class and send them home, or change class into lecture, or make test as punishment... don't feel like making some real effort. And they don't know a thing about their students so there is no way to know if someone makes real progress and so on. What's important to them is what other say.
The attitude described above was present in EP on very large scale. It was astonishing for me. Success there is something fully related to others' opinions, depending on it completely. Others' approval - that's the concept of success. It leads to very strange behaviors and situations. According to that logic if you want to have success there (and it's desired for everyone) it's not enough to do your job well, it's not really important if you do such job. What's important is if others say you do well. So what you have to do is to make them saying that so you could then tell the others that they said you do fine. It's necessary because you are not allowed - the next rule - to say yourself you're good at something, it would be unacceptable. It would make other people upset or even angry. So to accomplish your goal you have to use various techniques to manipulate them, to provoke them to express positive assessment on your work. The simplest one is talking a lot about it, showing the results often and asking for feedback all the time, even if it's unnecessary and not useful. Normally feedbacks' function is allowing you to improve yourself, not in that case.
That's mostly it. One more thing maybe... It's not only that you're not allowed to express you being good in some fields, it's not acceptable to pointing out your flaws either. You're supposed to be ordinary and provoke others to talk about you as someone extraordinary.
Short review:
1) You are obliged to build your legend.
2) You are not allowed to say by yourself that you're good at something. Making any assessments about your own work based on results of it is not acceptable.
3) You are not allowed to talk about your flaws either.
4) You may and you're supposed to repeat after others that you're good at something.
5) In case to make them express positive review of your work you have to master techniques of manipulating and provoking them to do that.
Success is someone's approval. What can I say? I don't very much care and find it pathetic and dangerously deceptive. The sad thing is if you want to win anything you have to play those cards. That's how it usually works.
środa, 2 września 2009
Misconceptions about prejudices
I found the book of Jeff Marano in the Centre of Contemporary Art's bookshop in September last year. I don't consider his photos something special but the bodies he takes pictures of are worth to take a look at. There is nothing more beautiful than human body.
They had exhibition "Flowers of our Lives" that was focused on the collecting things issue. There was installation of Turkish artist, Kutlug Ataman, titled "Stefan's Room". It was actually documentary movie with four extra screenplays around the viewer. It was telling a story of young German guy who was collecting butterflies and had over 30.000 of them. Gay motive was of course unavoidable. Czech and gay motives were persecuting me. It was very good, simple story but covered number of topics. Ataman makes also future films but they're nothing special.
I wasn't oriented on Turkish matters without a reason. After Hana left us for good, Deniz moved in for less than two weeks. The greatest young mind in Turkey. Can you imagine? He had scholarship for the best student in the entire Turky. Meeting him was very salutary experience for me. He was attractive, social, real fine young man. However, I was afraid he will reject me once he'll find out I'm gay. You know, we are fed with those convictions that Muslims has no understanding for gay issue. What can I say? Deniz definitely wasn't lacking in that kind of understanding.
But once occurred even more surprising situation considering the reception of gay people by Muslims. We went the whole group to Dawid. We dropped by a shop before paying him a visit. Young, beautiful (not handsome, just beautiful), Muslim judging by his features guy was cashier in there. Girls were buying and paying and I was admiring him, staring open-mouthed at him. What did he do? He didn't express his possible displeasure caused by my affection, disapproval or embarrassment which would be definitely the case in Polish shop. He smiled at me warmly. Oh, I was ecstatic. Agnes even noticed his smile.
My stay in Brussels definitely caused me not to perceive Muslims from the angle of their religion. My prejudices about their prejudices vanished.
The shop clerk situation was not the only one involving me staring at someone insistently that was completely new to me. When we went with Marta to Antwerp and I cast a glance at a guy which I do constantly that particular one paid back my look. It was full of admiration, very flirty. He was too old for my taste but it was astonishing and somehow pleasurable. I'm not used to it. In Poland admire handsome guys is always one-way relation. One of many differences between Belgium and Poland, between my wonderful life there and my miserable existence here.
They had exhibition "Flowers of our Lives" that was focused on the collecting things issue. There was installation of Turkish artist, Kutlug Ataman, titled "Stefan's Room". It was actually documentary movie with four extra screenplays around the viewer. It was telling a story of young German guy who was collecting butterflies and had over 30.000 of them. Gay motive was of course unavoidable. Czech and gay motives were persecuting me. It was very good, simple story but covered number of topics. Ataman makes also future films but they're nothing special.
I wasn't oriented on Turkish matters without a reason. After Hana left us for good, Deniz moved in for less than two weeks. The greatest young mind in Turkey. Can you imagine? He had scholarship for the best student in the entire Turky. Meeting him was very salutary experience for me. He was attractive, social, real fine young man. However, I was afraid he will reject me once he'll find out I'm gay. You know, we are fed with those convictions that Muslims has no understanding for gay issue. What can I say? Deniz definitely wasn't lacking in that kind of understanding.
But once occurred even more surprising situation considering the reception of gay people by Muslims. We went the whole group to Dawid. We dropped by a shop before paying him a visit. Young, beautiful (not handsome, just beautiful), Muslim judging by his features guy was cashier in there. Girls were buying and paying and I was admiring him, staring open-mouthed at him. What did he do? He didn't express his possible displeasure caused by my affection, disapproval or embarrassment which would be definitely the case in Polish shop. He smiled at me warmly. Oh, I was ecstatic. Agnes even noticed his smile.
My stay in Brussels definitely caused me not to perceive Muslims from the angle of their religion. My prejudices about their prejudices vanished.
The shop clerk situation was not the only one involving me staring at someone insistently that was completely new to me. When we went with Marta to Antwerp and I cast a glance at a guy which I do constantly that particular one paid back my look. It was full of admiration, very flirty. He was too old for my taste but it was astonishing and somehow pleasurable. I'm not used to it. In Poland admire handsome guys is always one-way relation. One of many differences between Belgium and Poland, between my wonderful life there and my miserable existence here.
poniedziałek, 31 sierpnia 2009
Taxi by night
I'm not quite sure why but taking taxi in the evenings reminded me of Brussels very much.
środa, 26 sierpnia 2009
Brussels by Night with a cup of neuhaus chocolate
I tried to cheer myself up every now and then with a cup of neuhaus chocolate which I brought from Belgium. I enjoyed everything that brought me closer to Brussels. I had no intention to cut my addiction off even though it was, as every dependency, destroying for myself. Keeping contact with people I've met there was however too harmful, I hadn't enough strength to do it. I was making attempt every time I felt stronger, I felt being ready but eventually those attempts made me always much more depressed so I avoided it. Besides girls didn't experience difficulties as myself and even though they stopped writing eventually too. Humans.
I've finally find the courage to watch "Brussels by Night" that I bought in BOZAR Shop. Great movie and fortunately not very much about Brussels. As I could find out later by watching the interview with the director, the title was coincidental.
The movie that made much greater impression on me was "In the City of Sylvia" by José Luis Guerín. The city mentioned in the title is Strasbourg. Very poetic movie, almost like a fairytale. It hardly might be called masterpiece but in my subjective reception it was absolutely brilliant. It's absolute affirmation of life. It's also real pearl for photo lovers. If you like Strasbourg you have to watch it. Oh, it was great discover! What main character does is also my prime activity, except for drawing. I'm also fascinated with people and cities. Observing them and taking pleasure from it is one of my most basic reasons to live.
The movie should be watched in cinema. I'm convinced it has much more impact when showing on big screen. In case you'll encounter difficulties getting it, let me know, I would gladly share.
It's interesting clash because the other movie from that period that became embedded in my memory tells about stagnation and resignation rather than joyfulness of life. However it ends with bright spark too. It's titled "The Visitor" and was directed by Thomas McCarthy. In case you're convinced American can not do good movies, you should watch it. I'm quite sure you'll change your mind. It proofs good American cinema didn't finish at eighties.
I perceive the main character as counterpart of mine. Academic teacher in stagnation still open however to discover new aspects of life and meet new people, very different from himself. It moved me strongly however I wasn't convinced with the final, I didn't believe it. Maybe because I just don't see the right place for myself, I didn't discover the right path in my own life yet. I would gladly get to know your opinion.
Thanks to "The Visitor" I discovered the music of Fela Kuti, great African musician.
African music is everywhere in Brussels. I regret I didn't buy any CDs. One of very few things I regret.
I've finally find the courage to watch "Brussels by Night" that I bought in BOZAR Shop. Great movie and fortunately not very much about Brussels. As I could find out later by watching the interview with the director, the title was coincidental.
The movie that made much greater impression on me was "In the City of Sylvia" by José Luis Guerín. The city mentioned in the title is Strasbourg. Very poetic movie, almost like a fairytale. It hardly might be called masterpiece but in my subjective reception it was absolutely brilliant. It's absolute affirmation of life. It's also real pearl for photo lovers. If you like Strasbourg you have to watch it. Oh, it was great discover! What main character does is also my prime activity, except for drawing. I'm also fascinated with people and cities. Observing them and taking pleasure from it is one of my most basic reasons to live.
The movie should be watched in cinema. I'm convinced it has much more impact when showing on big screen. In case you'll encounter difficulties getting it, let me know, I would gladly share.
It's interesting clash because the other movie from that period that became embedded in my memory tells about stagnation and resignation rather than joyfulness of life. However it ends with bright spark too. It's titled "The Visitor" and was directed by Thomas McCarthy. In case you're convinced American can not do good movies, you should watch it. I'm quite sure you'll change your mind. It proofs good American cinema didn't finish at eighties.
I perceive the main character as counterpart of mine. Academic teacher in stagnation still open however to discover new aspects of life and meet new people, very different from himself. It moved me strongly however I wasn't convinced with the final, I didn't believe it. Maybe because I just don't see the right place for myself, I didn't discover the right path in my own life yet. I would gladly get to know your opinion.
Thanks to "The Visitor" I discovered the music of Fela Kuti, great African musician.
African music is everywhere in Brussels. I regret I didn't buy any CDs. One of very few things I regret.
poniedziałek, 24 sierpnia 2009
Swedish, Silesian, Czech, Hungarian, Australian, Finish... everywhere around
I was watching a lot of Czech movies when I came back. As I've said, I had desire for everything that has anything to do with Czech Republic. When there was railway catastrophe of Polish train in Czech I had impression I caused it by too much thinking about that country, too much negative thinking as well. The movie I recommend you especially is not Czech however, it's Danish, although it's about Czech Republic, about Prague (and it's called "Prague", directed by Ole Christian Madsen). Jan comes from Prague. It contains gay motive as well which makes it even more connected to Jan. But I don't recommend it because of that connection. I do because it's quite good, interesting movie. It's about everlasting love that has pity consequences for others, that hurts people involved. It's about death of old love and birth of a new one, about loneliness, finding way leading to others, finding the purpose, trying to understand ourselves, seeking for a goal... Subjects old but still fresh and pleasing if shown in interesting way. But it's also about beautiful city which is contaminated with postcommunist heritage and full of customs that have to seem very exotic for outsiders.
Czech and Scandinavian cinematography is well known for its quality but both are very different. It's interesting to see mix of those differences. And I want to warn you not to watch the trailer. It's very misleading, it announce the romantic story which the movie is not at all.
I watched another Czech movie few days ago - "The Country Teacher" by Bohdan Sláma. I'm not sure how comprehensible it may be for western Europeans but for me, as eastern one, it's very true, very close to life. That's something rare in the cinema and ironically that's something that cinema is all about - to portrait life possibly accurately even if it contains poetic scenes like the one on the balcony which is, by the way, ended with very interesting from formal point of view transition to the next one.
The movie brought Hana on my mind, surprisingly Jan less. What unvaryingly reminds me of him is Tibet and Tibetan issues. I will explain one day why.
I remember the things related to Tibetan issue occurred with great intensity at that time because of Olympic Games taking place in Peking then. Review of Buddhist movies, the Dalai Lama visit in European Parliament and so on. I made use of Tibetan wallpaper and I didn't take it off of my computer so far. It brings Jan on my mind not less than any Czech matter.
I've got also another wallpaper for you:
The European Parliament is in the left upper corner.
Suddenly I started noticed everywhere not only Tibetan and Czech matters but also the ones related to Hungary, Sweden, Finland, Silesia (the region where Marta comes from), Australia which Kathrin is more crazy about than me about Germany and that's why I associate Australia with Kathrin much more than her homeland, Germany.
It's utill today like that, less intensive but still. Connections all around. I watched for the nth time "Star Trek First Contact" few days ago. Let me show you fragment of it. Girls will understand what it is all about. ;-)
As I said, I encounter those associations everywhere. Those are small things sometimes. Like expression hearing somewhere which meaning Kathrin explained me once. The whole situation is recalling then... One asks themselves in situation like that – Do those things occur to me more frequently or frequency didn't change but my attitude did and I notice them more easily.
What was interesting there were moments that I started to miss my German friends, the ones I've met 6 years ago, even more than the Belgian ones. Especially Birgit, my wonderful, wise Birgit who taught me so much. The rules of love influence your memory. When you experience strong feelings to group of people you develop feelings to the others as well. Old true, isn't it?
Live long and prosper!
Czech and Scandinavian cinematography is well known for its quality but both are very different. It's interesting to see mix of those differences. And I want to warn you not to watch the trailer. It's very misleading, it announce the romantic story which the movie is not at all.
I watched another Czech movie few days ago - "The Country Teacher" by Bohdan Sláma. I'm not sure how comprehensible it may be for western Europeans but for me, as eastern one, it's very true, very close to life. That's something rare in the cinema and ironically that's something that cinema is all about - to portrait life possibly accurately even if it contains poetic scenes like the one on the balcony which is, by the way, ended with very interesting from formal point of view transition to the next one.
The movie brought Hana on my mind, surprisingly Jan less. What unvaryingly reminds me of him is Tibet and Tibetan issues. I will explain one day why.
I remember the things related to Tibetan issue occurred with great intensity at that time because of Olympic Games taking place in Peking then. Review of Buddhist movies, the Dalai Lama visit in European Parliament and so on. I made use of Tibetan wallpaper and I didn't take it off of my computer so far. It brings Jan on my mind not less than any Czech matter.
I've got also another wallpaper for you:
The European Parliament is in the left upper corner.
Suddenly I started noticed everywhere not only Tibetan and Czech matters but also the ones related to Hungary, Sweden, Finland, Silesia (the region where Marta comes from), Australia which Kathrin is more crazy about than me about Germany and that's why I associate Australia with Kathrin much more than her homeland, Germany.
It's utill today like that, less intensive but still. Connections all around. I watched for the nth time "Star Trek First Contact" few days ago. Let me show you fragment of it. Girls will understand what it is all about. ;-)
As I said, I encounter those associations everywhere. Those are small things sometimes. Like expression hearing somewhere which meaning Kathrin explained me once. The whole situation is recalling then... One asks themselves in situation like that – Do those things occur to me more frequently or frequency didn't change but my attitude did and I notice them more easily.
What was interesting there were moments that I started to miss my German friends, the ones I've met 6 years ago, even more than the Belgian ones. Especially Birgit, my wonderful, wise Birgit who taught me so much. The rules of love influence your memory. When you experience strong feelings to group of people you develop feelings to the others as well. Old true, isn't it?
Live long and prosper!
niedziela, 23 sierpnia 2009
The Centre of Contemporary Art
The only thing that helped me to survive here was new museum. It was opened for the first time when I was in Brussels. I went there for Czech movie evening the first day I came back. I had desire for everything that had anything to do with Czech Republic at that time. I was afraid of meeting there some of my friends. I knew it was more than I could take. But my desire showed up to be stronger than my fears. I've met them indeed but fortunately managed that. That's me, great actor when it comes to situation like that. It's not even that I have to play someone being in great mood. The mask sticks to my face itself. In spite of everything what I was feeling at that time smile came out on my face. I didn't need to attempt even, it occurred without control, against my intentions actually. Besides I was of course happy to see them. And I was happy when I could go home alone.
sobota, 22 sierpnia 2009
Cultural desert
Cultural desert. That's what my city seemed to be for me after my arrival. And you should know it's considered as very cultural by Poles. Oh, it was hard too. I came back from place when even on holidays one could visit more than 20 exhibitions or one of four movie theaters showing noncommercial artistic movies. The next day after my arrival I learnt that the only movie theater playing such movies in Toruń was closed down two days earlier.
No interesting, beautiful people, no movies nor cultural life in general, no recreation. Do you see any reason to keep living here?
I was keeping trace of cultural events in Brussels. I still do! Klarafestival was (and is) coming at the end of August. Last year Il Giardino Armonico had its concert on that festival. I love them, I've never had opportunity to listen to their music live.
The concert of Ornette Coleman was announced to take place in October. I wanted to get to know about it one of my friends who is big fun of him but I've never done it. I was so out of live. That friend of mine couldn't probably go for the concert anyway since it would be too big expense but if he stayed at my friends and found some cheap flight maybe he would. I'll never know. It doesn't matter now. What matters I couldn't let the past go and I still can't.
Keith Jarrett will give a concert this year. He's also jazz of international renown musician but I have CD with his performance of Bach's sonatas for viola da gamba and cembalo.
No interesting, beautiful people, no movies nor cultural life in general, no recreation. Do you see any reason to keep living here?
I was keeping trace of cultural events in Brussels. I still do! Klarafestival was (and is) coming at the end of August. Last year Il Giardino Armonico had its concert on that festival. I love them, I've never had opportunity to listen to their music live.
The concert of Ornette Coleman was announced to take place in October. I wanted to get to know about it one of my friends who is big fun of him but I've never done it. I was so out of live. That friend of mine couldn't probably go for the concert anyway since it would be too big expense but if he stayed at my friends and found some cheap flight maybe he would. I'll never know. It doesn't matter now. What matters I couldn't let the past go and I still can't.
Keith Jarrett will give a concert this year. He's also jazz of international renown musician but I have CD with his performance of Bach's sonatas for viola da gamba and cembalo.
piątek, 21 sierpnia 2009
United in diversity vs. United in uniformity
What I miss more, however, is not comfortable, fine life, it's diversity. All people here are similar, uninteresting, ugly, ordinary, united in uniformity. In Belgium even homeless people hide some interesting stories. At least yhey look like they would. At every corner you can meet African people wearing their ethnical dresses, orthodox Jews or Muslims praying on that grass that I mentioned in my last entry. Can you imagine the situation that someone approaches you to ask what time it is and precedes the question by the other one - Do you speak polish? It happed to me once. Belgium women asked if I speak French. Diversity is a norm there. And regrettably it's exception in Poland.
czwartek, 20 sierpnia 2009
Grassy grass vs. Polish grass
It's quite difficult to express why being back is so bad. The symbol which may illustrate pretty accurately the difference between living there and here is... grass. Yes, grass. And I don't mean marihuana by that. However access to the last one is also much easier in Belgium than it is in Poland.
I loved to go to Parc de Bruxelles (the one in the center) and lying on the grass in the sun. The grass was green, soft, thick and clean. Like a carpet. You really didn't need any blanket to lay on it. You will not find place like that in Poland even though we've got places which are supposed to be lawns. Usually there is no grass there, some remains of it only, which are brown, burned, full of dirt and weeds, very unpleasant and ugly. That's it. Things which could be nice and handy are not like that in Poland. Things which are supposed to be pleasant aren't like that either.
We don't have parks similar to Belgian parks. The ones we have don't look like the Belgian ones, maybe except for Łazienki Królewskie in Warsaw. One exception then, and still, I'm not sure what is the quality of the grass in there. They are dark, ugly, untended. People are rather afraid of going there since it's full of hooligans instead of being full of life, people playing, having fun and so on which is standard in Brussels.
Sad country with sad people. Not suitable for someone who prefer being cheerful.
I loved to go to Parc de Bruxelles (the one in the center) and lying on the grass in the sun. The grass was green, soft, thick and clean. Like a carpet. You really didn't need any blanket to lay on it. You will not find place like that in Poland even though we've got places which are supposed to be lawns. Usually there is no grass there, some remains of it only, which are brown, burned, full of dirt and weeds, very unpleasant and ugly. That's it. Things which could be nice and handy are not like that in Poland. Things which are supposed to be pleasant aren't like that either.
We don't have parks similar to Belgian parks. The ones we have don't look like the Belgian ones, maybe except for Łazienki Królewskie in Warsaw. One exception then, and still, I'm not sure what is the quality of the grass in there. They are dark, ugly, untended. People are rather afraid of going there since it's full of hooligans instead of being full of life, people playing, having fun and so on which is standard in Brussels.
Sad country with sad people. Not suitable for someone who prefer being cheerful.
środa, 12 sierpnia 2009
Buying bright side of life
I bought Burkhard's exhibition catalogue. Buying it I was really enjoying my Belgian life. I have been earning there more than 1000 euros per month and the catalogue cost 36 euros, I didn't even notice that expense. In Poland, on the other hand, even though I have also earned 1000 per month (polish currency of course so it was about 250 euros) I couldn't afford even to go to any exhibition since the journey itself was too expensive, not mentioning buying a catalogue once I would go there. Buying it would cost me more than 100zł which was 10% of my monthly income which I have spent entirely on the most basic needs in two weeks and tried to survive somehow for the rest of the month… Oh yes, my life in Belgium was fine.
It was one of the most severe daily difficulties when I came back - everything seemed to be unbearable expensive, some things cost even five times more than it used to in Belgium, like my favorites as chips or kinder snacks! I realized I need to learn again how to make groceries. I was spending too much money on it. In Belgium small groceries cost me about 15, big ones 50, in Poland - 50 regular ones and 250 the big ones. It was quite shocking.
I could afford buying actimel being in Belgium, I could afford everything I needed and wanted and was still able to save some money for paying my polish debts back. For God sake, I could go to Paris without saving money, just taking some from one salary. I have never, in my entire life, managed to go to Paris from Poland!
When I want to go to Warsaw and back from where I am now I have to spent 200zł for such a journey, 20% of my monthly income. My budget gets ruined in that case. Being in Belgium I could go to Paris and back with Thalys (!) paying only 25 euros (!) for the trip, which was 2,5% of my monthly income. I could make calls to Poland for 0,50 per minute. In Poland only national calls cost me 0,09 more.
I could normally live for the first time in my life in Belgium and now this life's gone. Don't wonder I'm depressed. When you spent all your money on room and food, when you can not afford anything, when you can not go to dentist, when you use one pair of shoes for seven years – the bright side of life disappears.
It was one of the most severe daily difficulties when I came back - everything seemed to be unbearable expensive, some things cost even five times more than it used to in Belgium, like my favorites as chips or kinder snacks! I realized I need to learn again how to make groceries. I was spending too much money on it. In Belgium small groceries cost me about 15, big ones 50, in Poland - 50 regular ones and 250 the big ones. It was quite shocking.
I could afford buying actimel being in Belgium, I could afford everything I needed and wanted and was still able to save some money for paying my polish debts back. For God sake, I could go to Paris without saving money, just taking some from one salary. I have never, in my entire life, managed to go to Paris from Poland!
When I want to go to Warsaw and back from where I am now I have to spent 200zł for such a journey, 20% of my monthly income. My budget gets ruined in that case. Being in Belgium I could go to Paris and back with Thalys (!) paying only 25 euros (!) for the trip, which was 2,5% of my monthly income. I could make calls to Poland for 0,50 per minute. In Poland only national calls cost me 0,09 more.
I could normally live for the first time in my life in Belgium and now this life's gone. Don't wonder I'm depressed. When you spent all your money on room and food, when you can not afford anything, when you can not go to dentist, when you use one pair of shoes for seven years – the bright side of life disappears.
czwartek, 6 sierpnia 2009
Books
Back to interrupted motive - books. I was buying various books. From some point of view it wasn't really strange. I used to buy even more on my best times. However, considering that I didn't get salary anymore it was very destructive behavior. Besides I don't even have a place to store them.
I bought:
1) "European Union Politics" by Michelle Cini since I've found pretty pathetic the fact that I worked for EU and haven't had much idea about it.
2) "Grammar of the film language" by Daniel Arijon since the last monography on film means of expression was published in Poland before I was even born. I've got it of course but I thought it would be good to get updated on new streams and I also knew if I wouldn't buy it then I never would.
3) "Teach Yourself Czech" by David Short since everything that had anything to do with Czech Republic became my new great passion. I wanted to be able to write letters to Jan in his mother tongue. However, I know myself and I knew I will never learn it. I bought the textbook anyway.
4) I bought also French textbook. It became clear to me after the traineeship - if you don't speak French, you're lost. And I always wanted to learn that language. If not now than when, I thought.
5) "The anthology of American and English poetry" even.
6) "What Do You Say After You Say Hello?" by Eric Berne. No surprise here.
7) "Semantyka i składnia czasowników oznaczających akty mowy w języku polskim i czeskim" by Zbigniew Greń.
8) "Ten by Ten" - the collection of photos by Robert Mapplethorpe. I will finish with it, the most important one.
I bought:
1) "European Union Politics" by Michelle Cini since I've found pretty pathetic the fact that I worked for EU and haven't had much idea about it.
2) "Grammar of the film language" by Daniel Arijon since the last monography on film means of expression was published in Poland before I was even born. I've got it of course but I thought it would be good to get updated on new streams and I also knew if I wouldn't buy it then I never would.
3) "Teach Yourself Czech" by David Short since everything that had anything to do with Czech Republic became my new great passion. I wanted to be able to write letters to Jan in his mother tongue. However, I know myself and I knew I will never learn it. I bought the textbook anyway.
4) I bought also French textbook. It became clear to me after the traineeship - if you don't speak French, you're lost. And I always wanted to learn that language. If not now than when, I thought.
5) "The anthology of American and English poetry" even.
6) "What Do You Say After You Say Hello?" by Eric Berne. No surprise here.
7) "Semantyka i składnia czasowników oznaczających akty mowy w języku polskim i czeskim" by Zbigniew Greń.
8) "Ten by Ten" - the collection of photos by Robert Mapplethorpe. I will finish with it, the most important one.
środa, 5 sierpnia 2009
Gayness in the air
Do you know even one countertenor that wouldn't be gay? The percentage of gay men is unexpectedly high not only among singers of classical music. The question about the number of gay guys around us occurred quite often to us during our work in EP. And it's no wonder this matter absorbed us so much since every second guy we've met in EP seemed to be gay.
It was quite funny in the Library since there were two Jans and Jaana and all of them gay. And they were not the only ones representatives of that minority in the Library.
Marco, the guy in sandwich bar. I didn't buy a sandwich once but I went there almost every time girls did just to take a look on him. He sent me invitation on Facebook one day but it stays unclear to me if he did it because he noticed I admired him or it just happened. He never answered my e-mail, probably because it was written in English of course.
Hana told me once she heard the rate of gay men in EU institutions is 15%. (For those who don't know - the percentage of gay men in the whole population is about 4%.) I don't think anyone ever made a real research on that subject. However we stayed under the impression they are even more.
There is association for gay people working in EU institutions called Egalite and the additional one for stagiaires, at least it was when Maris Sergejenko was a stgiaire (in Michael Cashman's office, gay MEP).
We agreed with Jan Brussels is paradise for gay people. Gay shops, gay clubs, gay baths, gay travel agency... You name it. Everything may be gay in Brussels if you want it to be. The whole gay district even. Differently than it is in Poland gay guys don't avoid eye contact with other gay guys met on the street. They don't need to be afraid. I was invited not for a date maybe but for a meeting in the first month of my traineeship. Such things never happen to me in Poland.
I painfully experience absolute straightness of everything around these days.
It was quite funny in the Library since there were two Jans and Jaana and all of them gay. And they were not the only ones representatives of that minority in the Library.
Marco, the guy in sandwich bar. I didn't buy a sandwich once but I went there almost every time girls did just to take a look on him. He sent me invitation on Facebook one day but it stays unclear to me if he did it because he noticed I admired him or it just happened. He never answered my e-mail, probably because it was written in English of course.
Hana told me once she heard the rate of gay men in EU institutions is 15%. (For those who don't know - the percentage of gay men in the whole population is about 4%.) I don't think anyone ever made a real research on that subject. However we stayed under the impression they are even more.
There is association for gay people working in EU institutions called Egalite and the additional one for stagiaires, at least it was when Maris Sergejenko was a stgiaire (in Michael Cashman's office, gay MEP).
We agreed with Jan Brussels is paradise for gay people. Gay shops, gay clubs, gay baths, gay travel agency... You name it. Everything may be gay in Brussels if you want it to be. The whole gay district even. Differently than it is in Poland gay guys don't avoid eye contact with other gay guys met on the street. They don't need to be afraid. I was invited not for a date maybe but for a meeting in the first month of my traineeship. Such things never happen to me in Poland.
I painfully experience absolute straightness of everything around these days.
poniedziałek, 3 sierpnia 2009
Being back, being alienated
I came back to Toruń depressed and I've never really recovered. Few first months were unbearably hard. The way I perceived the environment that I belonged to those days is difficult to describe. Everything seemed to be unbelievably ugly, dirty, damaged. Hostile and violent. I didn't want to meet people. I didn't want to speak. I was hiding. Every time I had to say something I forced myself to do it in Polish, I was still thinking in English. It was expression of something we call in Polish “inner emigration” (emigracja wewnętrzna), alienation. I felt stoned all the time, imprisoned on some strange planet. I couldn't sleep and was permanently tired. It happened once that I woke up at 4:00 o'clock, when the sun was rising, crying and having strong feeling that I didn't want to live anymore. I believe when you want to kill yourself at this time of the day when everything is rising to live, it means you really want to die. I couldn't do much. I was trying to survive, to wait until those times will past.
Everything was annoying me, making me mad. It started already in Brussels. I became so aggressive towards girls that I didn't recognize myself, was afraid of myself, didn't understand what was happening to me. Being in Belgium I didn't have time to analyze properly my behavior and that's why the strangest ideas came to my mind, the strangest solutions as being possessed by dark forces, by evil. In Toruń everything became clearer. It was simple symptom of depression - dysphoria.
My prime activation, my greatest passion which is observing people has stopped. Every time I went out I was sneaking trying to avoid meeting people that I know which is really difficult in city as Toruń. However I could notice also some bright aspects of that situation. It has happened quite often during my work at university that once a student got a final mark he suddenly, strangely stopped to recognize me on the street. And on that time I could learn there are many who say “hello” even though I didn't notice them.
I got back to my old bad habits, neurotic ones. The ones I thought I got over with a long time ago. I started buying things. I started to spend money compulsive and destructive way.
I brought 300 euros with me from Brussels. It was more than my monthly salary in Poland. Additionally EP has reimbursed my travel expenses. And I also borrowed again the 3.000 zł I have already borrowed going to my traineeship and saved during it to pay back after comeback. I could live with all those money half a year. The problem was I started to spend enormous amount of money. On books mostly.
Everything was annoying me, making me mad. It started already in Brussels. I became so aggressive towards girls that I didn't recognize myself, was afraid of myself, didn't understand what was happening to me. Being in Belgium I didn't have time to analyze properly my behavior and that's why the strangest ideas came to my mind, the strangest solutions as being possessed by dark forces, by evil. In Toruń everything became clearer. It was simple symptom of depression - dysphoria.
My prime activation, my greatest passion which is observing people has stopped. Every time I went out I was sneaking trying to avoid meeting people that I know which is really difficult in city as Toruń. However I could notice also some bright aspects of that situation. It has happened quite often during my work at university that once a student got a final mark he suddenly, strangely stopped to recognize me on the street. And on that time I could learn there are many who say “hello” even though I didn't notice them.
I got back to my old bad habits, neurotic ones. The ones I thought I got over with a long time ago. I started buying things. I started to spend money compulsive and destructive way.
I brought 300 euros with me from Brussels. It was more than my monthly salary in Poland. Additionally EP has reimbursed my travel expenses. And I also borrowed again the 3.000 zł I have already borrowed going to my traineeship and saved during it to pay back after comeback. I could live with all those money half a year. The problem was I started to spend enormous amount of money. On books mostly.
niedziela, 2 sierpnia 2009
What’s new? Vacuum.
Nothing has happened in my life in the last year. Probably it’s been so because I haven’t yet left Belgium. I simply find myself banned from it and have hard time to accept my condition.
What’s new? My contract at university has expired, I’ve lost an income and a place to live. I stay unemployed and homeless. And separated. I alienated myself from my friends as well as all unnecessary social interactions. I unwillingly created perfect vacuum around me and altered my life into a perfect stagnation.
What’s new? My contract at university has expired, I’ve lost an income and a place to live. I stay unemployed and homeless. And separated. I alienated myself from my friends as well as all unnecessary social interactions. I unwillingly created perfect vacuum around me and altered my life into a perfect stagnation.
sobota, 1 sierpnia 2009
The sentence - deportation
One year has passed today since my comeback to Poland. Yet I remember very clearly every single detail of the day which I have left Brussels on. Packing my staff took me half a night. I went to sleep at 2:00 am. And I slept only two hours since I had to wake up at 4:00 am to catch the plane. I woke up crying. It was very strange because I cried unconsciousness, I cried before I even realized that it was the day of my departure. And I didn't stop crying till my arrival at airport in Warsaw. I cried taking shower and going with by taxi to the airport.
Everything was planned and on time, as it's usually with me. However I left few pajamas in the closet and I had to take them in the last moment to the hand. There was no time to pack them since taxi was already waiting. I hardly managed to take my 30-kg-weight - as I found out later at the airport – suitcase to the ground floor, was sweating a lot. I could still feel the presence of Hana and Gianluca, my flatmates, when was leaving the flat, even though they left it days before me. I could smell marihuana or maybe I imagined it. It was hot outside though it was still dark. The taxi fare was really hard for me, especially when we reached Zavente and I could see the Brussels from above, thousands of tiny blinking lights that cities are made of at nights. I will never forget the view. There was one more particularly difficult moment. The song "Happy Birthday" by Stevie Wonder was being played on the radio. It was the song that I gave Jan on CD for his birthday. In that moment I was asking - rather myself than God since I don't dare to talk to Him because of my doubts considering His nature and His existence - why He was making it even harder for me than it's already been. What was the purpose of it? And of course the rational part of myself has immediately signalized that no Gad had anything to do with it, it was simple coincidence, simple even though so inconvenient for me.
It's stared to dawn when we arrived to the airport. The taxi company has assured me they have special price of fares to the airport. However the driver asked me to pay as for regular one. He thought probably I'm a tourist who doesn't know a thing. It reminded me many people which I've met in EP in those five months, including my friend, and which often didn't thing I know a thing about anything. How could I since I didn't look as they did, didn't behave as they did, didn't like what they did or did't wear as they did. Weirdo is weirdo. Anyway, I paid the driver as much as he wanted and I didn't say a thing about it. I was not capable of heaving conversation and demanding what was mine. I just wanted that horrible journey, the most horrible journey in my life and one of the most horrible experience generally, to be over.
I knew I had too heavy luggage and would have to pay extra for it. We were talking about in the office, sharing tips how to avoid that payment. First rule was to pick up a male flight attendant since guys are more understanding. Our second advise was to make jokes about me being so small and try to make excuse of it for my suitcase being so big. I've ignored all of it. I didn't have the clear had at all and didn't feel like trying that. So I choose the women even though the guy was sitting next to her. I was wearing sun glasses and was trying not to look in their direction because I didn't want them to see me crying. She said my suitcase was overweight and I would have to pay extra for it. I didn't try even to change her mind. I said really rude way something like: "OK, if I have to pay, I will pay, what else can I do!". She stared to talk to her colleague. They were speaking Dutch. I could only understand that she was asking him where I have to go to make payment. They were talking a lot and suddenly she said: "That's ok sir, you can go". I didn't show my surprise, I didn't even thank the proper way. I just felt relief it was over and I could go further.
I am like Freud who used to arrive to railway stations half an hour before train departure. I was two hours before my plane departure, I had to wait a lot. I wanted to send one more e-mail to Jan, the last one, but for the reason that stays unclear to me till today, the wi-fi in my laptop didn't work.
When I arrived at the gate there were already people sitting around, I remember especially a group of young people and a noun. I took a chair in the corner, I wanted to be separated from all of them. I was crying, all the time. I wanted to do something...
Jaana told me like million times I can always call her, day or night. I decided to make use of her kindness. I called her, it was about seven o'clock, I was sure she was still sleeping. I told her that how hard it was for me and asked her to tell Jan I loved him and I said I would be back. I couldn't talk. I was sobbing so much that I couldn't take a breath. It was odd. There was almost complete silence nearby, I was crying noiselessly but when I tried to talk to her some strange and very loud sound mixed with a sob came out from my mouth. I remember me thinking that it had to seem quite funny for the people around. However I didn't hear anyone laughing which made the whole situation even more tragic for me.
I remember I wouldn't mind my plane to crash. However I was worried about the people that were aboard with me. I saw the EP from the plane. I felt relatively safe. There was no one sitting next to me, and the third sit in the row was taken by young, handsome, elegant Flemish guy. He was discrete. I was perceiving him as a wall separating me from the others. I couldn't stop crying. I turned my face toward the window and allow myself to do it from time to time. I remember the flight attendant. She was like good auntie, I remember the real concern in her eyes and her authentic smile. When I refused to eat she asked me if I'm sure with that smile look.
Waiting for the luggage on Warsaw airport I realized I didn't cry anymore. I was wondering why it suddenly stopped. It was 10:00 am, I woke up at 4:00 am, I thought that maybe I cried everything that was to cry. But the other scenario seemed more likely to me. I simply found myself in very hostile environment called Poland and I unconsciously knew I have to be brave to survive. It was almost like animal instinct.
My journey from Warsaw to Toruń was terrible with that big suitcase of mine. Warsaw, capital city, and there are nowhere any elevators or escalators. Only by that one can easily and painfully realize he's not in Belgium anymore.
I mentioned the song in taxi earlier. In the intercity train that I took I could find the annual magazine and that particular edition it was about Belgium. Everything seemed to be against me. I called Marta, the message I left on her voicemail was in English. I had no intentions to speak Polish again in this sad country. It's sad indeed. I had change of trains. The railway station I changed the trains at beared no resemblance to the Belgium or German ones. It was dirty, ugly, ruined. And above that ruin there was a sign that the renovation of it was founded by EU. What renovation? One could take it as grotesque joke if not the fact that he is condemned to live here. Such perspective eliminates all humor of it.
The journey was long because Polish trains are slow. I arrived to Toruń at 4:00 pm. When I took a cap I felt like tourist and I felt still rich. Everything was strange to me. I've met three people I know on my way to hall. I didn't want that, I couldn't deal with them, I was wreck.
My agonia has begun.
Everything was planned and on time, as it's usually with me. However I left few pajamas in the closet and I had to take them in the last moment to the hand. There was no time to pack them since taxi was already waiting. I hardly managed to take my 30-kg-weight - as I found out later at the airport – suitcase to the ground floor, was sweating a lot. I could still feel the presence of Hana and Gianluca, my flatmates, when was leaving the flat, even though they left it days before me. I could smell marihuana or maybe I imagined it. It was hot outside though it was still dark. The taxi fare was really hard for me, especially when we reached Zavente and I could see the Brussels from above, thousands of tiny blinking lights that cities are made of at nights. I will never forget the view. There was one more particularly difficult moment. The song "Happy Birthday" by Stevie Wonder was being played on the radio. It was the song that I gave Jan on CD for his birthday. In that moment I was asking - rather myself than God since I don't dare to talk to Him because of my doubts considering His nature and His existence - why He was making it even harder for me than it's already been. What was the purpose of it? And of course the rational part of myself has immediately signalized that no Gad had anything to do with it, it was simple coincidence, simple even though so inconvenient for me.
It's stared to dawn when we arrived to the airport. The taxi company has assured me they have special price of fares to the airport. However the driver asked me to pay as for regular one. He thought probably I'm a tourist who doesn't know a thing. It reminded me many people which I've met in EP in those five months, including my friend, and which often didn't thing I know a thing about anything. How could I since I didn't look as they did, didn't behave as they did, didn't like what they did or did't wear as they did. Weirdo is weirdo. Anyway, I paid the driver as much as he wanted and I didn't say a thing about it. I was not capable of heaving conversation and demanding what was mine. I just wanted that horrible journey, the most horrible journey in my life and one of the most horrible experience generally, to be over.
I knew I had too heavy luggage and would have to pay extra for it. We were talking about in the office, sharing tips how to avoid that payment. First rule was to pick up a male flight attendant since guys are more understanding. Our second advise was to make jokes about me being so small and try to make excuse of it for my suitcase being so big. I've ignored all of it. I didn't have the clear had at all and didn't feel like trying that. So I choose the women even though the guy was sitting next to her. I was wearing sun glasses and was trying not to look in their direction because I didn't want them to see me crying. She said my suitcase was overweight and I would have to pay extra for it. I didn't try even to change her mind. I said really rude way something like: "OK, if I have to pay, I will pay, what else can I do!". She stared to talk to her colleague. They were speaking Dutch. I could only understand that she was asking him where I have to go to make payment. They were talking a lot and suddenly she said: "That's ok sir, you can go". I didn't show my surprise, I didn't even thank the proper way. I just felt relief it was over and I could go further.
I am like Freud who used to arrive to railway stations half an hour before train departure. I was two hours before my plane departure, I had to wait a lot. I wanted to send one more e-mail to Jan, the last one, but for the reason that stays unclear to me till today, the wi-fi in my laptop didn't work.
When I arrived at the gate there were already people sitting around, I remember especially a group of young people and a noun. I took a chair in the corner, I wanted to be separated from all of them. I was crying, all the time. I wanted to do something...
Jaana told me like million times I can always call her, day or night. I decided to make use of her kindness. I called her, it was about seven o'clock, I was sure she was still sleeping. I told her that how hard it was for me and asked her to tell Jan I loved him and I said I would be back. I couldn't talk. I was sobbing so much that I couldn't take a breath. It was odd. There was almost complete silence nearby, I was crying noiselessly but when I tried to talk to her some strange and very loud sound mixed with a sob came out from my mouth. I remember me thinking that it had to seem quite funny for the people around. However I didn't hear anyone laughing which made the whole situation even more tragic for me.
I remember I wouldn't mind my plane to crash. However I was worried about the people that were aboard with me. I saw the EP from the plane. I felt relatively safe. There was no one sitting next to me, and the third sit in the row was taken by young, handsome, elegant Flemish guy. He was discrete. I was perceiving him as a wall separating me from the others. I couldn't stop crying. I turned my face toward the window and allow myself to do it from time to time. I remember the flight attendant. She was like good auntie, I remember the real concern in her eyes and her authentic smile. When I refused to eat she asked me if I'm sure with that smile look.
Waiting for the luggage on Warsaw airport I realized I didn't cry anymore. I was wondering why it suddenly stopped. It was 10:00 am, I woke up at 4:00 am, I thought that maybe I cried everything that was to cry. But the other scenario seemed more likely to me. I simply found myself in very hostile environment called Poland and I unconsciously knew I have to be brave to survive. It was almost like animal instinct.
My journey from Warsaw to Toruń was terrible with that big suitcase of mine. Warsaw, capital city, and there are nowhere any elevators or escalators. Only by that one can easily and painfully realize he's not in Belgium anymore.
I mentioned the song in taxi earlier. In the intercity train that I took I could find the annual magazine and that particular edition it was about Belgium. Everything seemed to be against me. I called Marta, the message I left on her voicemail was in English. I had no intentions to speak Polish again in this sad country. It's sad indeed. I had change of trains. The railway station I changed the trains at beared no resemblance to the Belgium or German ones. It was dirty, ugly, ruined. And above that ruin there was a sign that the renovation of it was founded by EU. What renovation? One could take it as grotesque joke if not the fact that he is condemned to live here. Such perspective eliminates all humor of it.
The journey was long because Polish trains are slow. I arrived to Toruń at 4:00 pm. When I took a cap I felt like tourist and I felt still rich. Everything was strange to me. I've met three people I know on my way to hall. I didn't want that, I couldn't deal with them, I was wreck.
My agonia has begun.
Subskrybuj:
Posty (Atom)
Posty
